Fifty Shades of Lies
I was a believer of lies. I believed in what society and the media told me about love and marriage and then on Sunday I would raise my hands in church and sing to a God I didn’t really know, but thought I did, all while counting down the hours until Monday when The Bachelor would be on TV and I could check out of the reality of my own life for a few hours. I believed I was entitled to a happy marriage and regular doses of butterflies because if happiness and butterflies didn’t exist daily then something must be wrong with my marriage. I believed in Olivia Pope and Fitz and so rooted for them because true love should win (despite adultery). I believed in Kim Kardashian. I believed in Oprah (and really really really wanted to be just like her). I believed in Fifty Shades of Grey.
I remember when Fifty Shades of Grey came out. It was 2011 and I was unhappily married. I was pretending to have everything together for the sake of my professional reputation, relationships, and my sanity – but my personal life was unraveling. Instead of turning to truth I indulged in lies because it felt better. Scandal and Revenge and Keeping Up and Super Soul Sunday and Fifty Shades and other crap I read/music I listened to/people I spent time with all distracted me from reality and truth and God. I became obsessed with my work. Planning weddings while hating marriage. The irony. But since I had apparently already missed the mark on getting the whole happily-ever-after marriage thing right I may as well enjoy the beautiful or messed up stories of others – whether they were true or false – regardless of how they polluted my heart and soul.
So when Fifty Shades came out and everyone jumped on that bandwagon, curiosity and FOMO (fear of missing out) took over and I delightfully secured my spot with so many other women in this country. A new shiny distraction! A gorgeous rich man, a unknowingly beautiful yet needy, mousy woman, S&M, “love”. The makings of a beautiful relationship. I devoured it. I wish I could have a rich gorgeous man pay attention to me….well, without the abuse….but if he were rich and gorgeous maybe that would be okay as long as it wasn’t too hurtful or weird. And she does kinda save him. Teaches him to love. Maybe they eventually find Jesus. Seriously. Those were my thoughts. Talk about delusional. I believed the lie because my soul was hungry for what I think all our souls are hungry for: to be seen as precious, cherished, intimately known, understood and loved; but I was feeding it the wrong thing. And when my husband seemed to fall short I filled myself with lies in hopes it would fill the void only to find it left it gaping wider and hungrier than before. This went on for years. Years.
Then I met Jesus – truly met Jesus – and everything changed.
Women, what are we doing? What are we supporting? Even if you aren’t a Christian – you are a WOMAN. Is it because Anastasia chooses by her own free will to be objectified that it makes it okay? Is that what we tell ourselves to justify it? Are we not made to be more than a man’s perverted play thing? I get that we think it’s just a harmless fictional book series and the movie is equally as harmless – I used to think the exact same thing – but don’t be deceived. Don’t let the subtlety of it all fool you like it did me. Because each little thing I took in over and over and over again, that didn’t seem like a big deal at the time, slowly changed my belief system, my self view, my world view, my views on God, how I viewed my husband and our marriage.
While planning beautiful weddings is what I do, cultivating a beautiful marriage is what really matters to me. When I sat in church this past Sunday and our Pastor asked if we knew the name of the main character of Fifty Shades of Grey, I heard more voices say, “Christian” than I heard say, “Amen” after the prayer only moments before. I was so shaken because I realized not only my own deliberate hypocrisy but that of so many sitting with me. In church. WHO ARE WE?! Why do we buy into these lies and follow the world down that wide path we’re warned against? I’ve been married for twelve years to a truly amazing man and most of my marriage has been hard because of the lies I believed. If I can help one woman see what took me over a decade to see (apparently I am an extremely slow learner), then bearing this piece of myself is worth it. Here are the three main lies I used to believe:
LIE ONE – TV, Social Media, Music and Literature Don’t Really Influence Me
I remember my parents not letting me watch The Simpsons because they thought it was a bad influence and I thought they were ridiculous. Turns out they were on to something. Just because everyone else is watching it, reading it, listening to it does not mean that I should. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23). I think the negative effect of media on us has two parts:
1) Fear of missing out and/or fear of dealing with our own junk. If we are constantly exposing ourselves to trash to make ourselves feel better (total lie) or to keep up with the office talk or what the mom’s at the park are talking about, trash is what will flow out of us. Why do we consume garbage to begin with? For me, it was because it made me feel better about my own junk, it provided me a brief distraction from my own junk, and it gave me something else to discuss other than my own junk. Did any of it make me more compassionate, loving, honest or selfless? No.
2) Making comparisons based on what we see online, on TV, read, etc. Nothing makes me more discontented that when I am consuming too much media. Suddenly my house isn’t big enough, I’m not skinny enough, my kids aren’t smart enough, my husband isn’t good enough, my friends don’t care enough. Limiting my media time and increasing my TRUTH time (spending time in the Word) is the only way to combat this lie.
LIE TWO – It’s Okay To Call Myself A Christian While Supporting Things That Are Not Christlike
Oh this lie. This lie got me for a long time. I called myself a Christian while not thinking or living at all like Jesus, but with the justification that since I believed in God that was good enough. You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. (James 2:19) I was the epitome of lukewarm. I believed in God, I served in church, I lead others and still I maintained I could embrace things the world embraced and call it “harmless entertainment”. Friends, if we wouldn’t want others (Christians or otherwise) to know what we’re watching, reading or listening to then we shouldn’t be consuming it at all. If you call yourself a Christian yet you support ungodly things by spreading its message and sharing it on social media, stop. Examine what you support and why you support it and make a decision. We all have an audience – people who pay attention, online and off to what we do and say. Consider your influence on others and the message you are sending.
LIE THREE – The Main Objective of Marriage Is To Make Me Feel Happy
I believed this lie with all my heart and it came from a place of total selfishness. I didn’t understand marriage because I didn’t understand God. The less I understood God, the less I understood marriage and the less happy I consequently felt. I embarked on a long exhausting journey to find true happiness and it left me feeling more empty and depleted than anything else. When I finally surrendered my life to God, opened my Bible, and began to pray real prayers, I found what had always been right in front of me: the love of Jesus. True happiness. If you and your husband both call yourself Christians but your marriage isn’t happy, you don’t have a marriage problem, you have a God problem. That was our problem. Once I realized how self-centered I was and decided to truly give my life to God everything began to change. Mark and I got real honest and I realized that my husband is seriously the best human being I have ever met. He knows everything about me – every struggle, every flaw, every shortcoming and somehow this man still loves me and chooses me. Mark reflects God’s love to me (almost) daily. We support each other, we rally when it’s hard, we die to self and choose the other. It’s humbling and brutal at times. But that is true love and its result is the most amazing joy imaginable. The truth is, your marriage isn’t supposed to make you feel happy all the time; your marriage is supposed to make you more Christlike.
Valentines Day is Saturday. Instead of buying into the lies of the world about love, relationships and marriage, I pray you would seek TRUTH and find that love – real love – is not selfish, abusive, perverted, controlling or manipulative. Real love is patient and kind. Real love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It is not irritable and it keeps no records of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices when the truth wins. Real love never gives up, never loses faith, and is always hopeful. Real love never fails.
Amen and amen! Thank you for writing this and speaking truth where it is so needed!
Wow!! Alison your a mentor I have from afar yet is need up-close. Thank you for your transparency!
Great post sister! I will be praying for you and so excited you figured it out. Our God is a GREAT and MIGHTY God and soooooo merciful even to us (me included) that took a long time to “get it”. Praise the LORD!
It’s takes courage to write a message like this and it was very touching! It reminded me of what is most important in life and that Jesus should be at the center of everything we do. Thank you for sharing, I needed to hear this 🙂
What a nice article!
Great insight Alison. I was recently told that I was going to be invited to a very exclusive party at a VERY high end hotel for just a handful of planners. I waited for my invitation and it finally came in the mail. Turns out the party was for a private screening of 50 Shades of Gray. I wanted to go because it sort of felt like my “i have arrived” moment, but I knew there was no way I could check “yes” on the RSVP card. Being Christian requires sacrifice, and although not going to a party or seeing a movie is a small sacrifice it is one I must stick to. 🙂 HAPPY V-Day!
Well done! Thank you for being brave enough and vulnerable enough to call it like it is and bare your heart!
Allison, this is huge and i think I could say ditto to all! The irony of struggling for happiness in a marriage that IS good where you love God but you feel unhappy, and then your daily job creating the wedding dream for others. I agree with everything you said, and this spoke volumes to me, thank you!
Wow…you made me cry with this one. Had no idea that you and Mark ever had issues. I guess we all do. You are an amazing young woman, an amazing writer, an amazing Christian, an amazing Mother and just a good person in general. Love you Alison.
Great advice and reminder. Thanks for sharing!
Alison, this is beautifully written. I’m not sure how I got on your distribution list but I’m certainly glad I am. I am going to share this with all my friends. We buy into the media’s image of what we should be, have, do when, in fact, we are made in God’s image and there is nothing better than that. All the media does is breed discontent and fill our heads and hearts with non-truths. Thank you for your honesty and transparency.
Wow – now that is what I call getting real! Thanks for being open and bold. As a fellow Christian I struggle with the same wordly distractions and issues (well, not the “50 Shades..” thing but the other stuff). It is encouraging to hear your story and know others strive daily for what is real, true and worthwhile. Wishing you life abundantly Alison.
Thank you Allison for bearing your heart and not being afraid to speak honestly. There is so much truth in everything you said. As a super busy wedding professional myself, I normally don’t have the time to read the articles and blogs emailed to me daily. However, I am so glad this caught my attention and I took the time to read it. It was time well spent and I’m glad you took the time to write this. Thank you again for sharing your story and your heart. 🙂
Yes, yes, and yes!! While I haven’t read the book or plan on seeing this movie… I agree with you! And can really resonate when you said, “I was pretending to have everything together for the sake of my professional reputation” was hitting it spot on!I think this blog summarizes why I had to leave the wedding industry, it wasn’t authentic for me and where I was at that moment in life.
Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you so much for sharing. I have been in the same place recently..a wedding coordinator not having a good marriage, but God is so good. Real vulnerability is hard to come by and it’s great to know there are others with you or that have been where you are. We are not alone.
Convicting! I couldn’t agree more, Alison. Your words have so much power, and I love the scriptural backing you have behind your assertions, too. As a wedding planner, I deeply feel like my vocation is my calling and also my ministry. I am passionate about marriage (Godly marriage!) and I try not to take my platform (my blog, social media accounts, etc) lightly. I so appreciate your honesty and just wanted to encourage you for speaking this truth in a world saturated with so many lies!!
I am reading this and I feel like I am looking into a mirror. Alison I don’t know you personally but I follow you on social media sites, YouTube, etc (I admire your work ethic and how you got started and became very successful, you are my long distance mentor). But I felt like I was talking to my best friend. You have written my story that I am currently going through. I haven’t gotten to the end of this letter like you have just hate but am working on it by strengthening my relationship with God and realizing I have everything that I could ever want or need. A loving husband who is a God-fearing man and adores me beyond measure. Thank you Alison for this. You are such a blessing. Hopefully one day I am able to meet you and tell you THANK YOU in person.
Thank you for sharing!
Well written Alison! Nice points.
Thanks for your wonderful article and for the courage to say it! It is totally alright to express your opinion openly! We should not be afraid to do so, even when our Christian values are becoming more and more unpopular or ridiculed by the “media”, as you put it. The truth remains unmoved: there is not true happiness away from God!
Wow!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing and would love to read more marrige posts from you!
Alison thank you so much for sharing this- you raw emotion is evident here and I know I’m not the only one who appreciates your transparency. It is so TRUE how easy it is to get caught up in the rest of the world’s doings and forget about the source of it all. Amen, sister.
Amen and amen!!! “If you and your husband both call yourself Christians but your marriage isn’t happy, you don’t have a marriage problem, you have a God problem.” – so good and so true! Thank you for sharing!
Alison, what a journey of discovery you have been on and came out shining in the light of the Divine! Our world is so full of media brain washing that it takes prioritizing your life to what is the most important energy to entertain which would be love and God is love. Filling ourselves first with the feeling of an all encompassing love that permeates every part of all of us and everything around us is the best thing we can do for ourselves daily. I think when we get to heaven and look back at our lives, we will not be too impressed with the countless hours we spent watching TV,video games, cell phone addictions etc., that had nothing to do with us truly connecting with our family, friends, community and nature. I admire you for going back to the basics, God first and your connection with that love to pour through you brings more love into your life for you to be inspired to reach thousands more to inspire them. I am proud of you.
Thank you so much for opening your heart. As a wedding planner and constantly being surrounded by marriage, I feel likeu should have it all together. But instead I’m fighting for my own marriage on a daily basis. I will not give in to the 50 shades movement, but weather it’s that or any of the other trash that the media throws at us, the one thing we can cling to is the only thing that will save us, salvation in Jesus Christ.
Thank you. Thank you for being honest and open and letting us into your truths..because they are true and real. That takes more courage than people realize. Well done, and message received.
So good! Thanks Allison. Very well written.
Thanks for such transparency and sharing all that God is doing in your life! It’s truly comforting to hear you put the lies that most women believe to bed, and encourage them to focus on the one that gives true happiness.
Alison, thank you for sharing your testimony. Now that’s “the beautiful and bold” world I live in and can relate to! God is doing awesome things in your life AND He’s not finished yet! Your post makes me want to meet up with you for coffee and chat. 😉 Keep smiling and moving in His direction. Those who truly live their lives loudly for Jesus shall live joyfully (Romans 15:13). Hugs & Smiles!
Very insightful, loved reading this! You have a gift, thank you for sharing it.
Wow! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your article…but this part really hit home for me…’Because each little thing I took in over and over and over again, that didn’t seem like a big deal at the time, slowly changed my belief system, my self view, my world view, my views on God, how I viewed my husband and our marriage.’
It’s so easy to compare ourselves and our situations with other’s.
Bananas!
Thank you for your transparency and for using your platform to speak up and out!
Thank you so much for sharing all these thoughts, lessons really. I am not in your age group, yet see the problems that these lies cause and I ache for the young who think they are not “enough”. The media is a constant flow of pulling us away from the God who loves us and wants only His best for us, and pointing us to the world’s view of success and happiness which is empty. Satan is alive and well and intent on destroying our relationship with God. The media plays a huge part in that! I thank God for you and your boldness in speaking the truth.
I am very impressed that you would be so brave as to be this vulnerable about your own life and thoughts on your professional blog! Bravo for being real and not worrying about what others might think about your opinions and beliefs. This was very thought provoking and I really appreciate that I got to read something this inspiring and honest today… that’s a rarity! Thank you!
Amen, AMEN! Beautifully honest and transparent. Thank you for sharing your story and vulnerability. Your journey to truly know God triumphs!
Wow! Amazing, Alison! Well said and well put. My goodness, slightly speechless with a smile over here! XX Big Hug
Wow…amazing article, and so spot on. Christianity and values don’t change or move, we do. As we move we need to make sure it’s closer to God and Christ, not further away. Thank you for having the courage to write this when this point of view may not be the most popular!
Amen! So well said
What a great read, thank you Alison for always being so real and willing to share. As a wedding planner, wife and mother this resonates with me so much and has definitely got me thinking.
Dear Alison, I met you at WeddingMBA last year (2014). I knew immediately there was something so very special about you 🙂 Thank your for sharing this timely post. To God be the Glory! Hope to meet up with you again, Alison. Blessings, Angie Mack (Twitter/IG @threestrands)
Hi Allison, I am an event planner and handle weddings as well as corporate business. I have followed you as a fellow planner for a while and think you are definitely a professional. I second your comments about marriage, my husband was the first real Christian I ever dated and I didn’t get married until I was 34. It’s been 11 amazing years and although I was raised as a Christian, I didn’t really know what it meant until I met him. God truly sent him to me and I am so thankful. Best wishes to you and your husband.
Just wanted to stop by and say a quick and heart felt thank you for writing this. It was the first thing I read today. Couldn’t agree more with every single thing you wrote. AND, I needed to hear it.
God bless and keep you on the narrow path.
I loved this Alison, thanks for taking the time to share your heart and your lessons. xoxo
This is perfect! Thank you for saying what a lot of us women are feeling.
Wow wow wow. You are so real while many planners are afraid to be. It’s amazing how you put yourself out there to explain how you feel through your faith. You have given me that extra PUSH to be the woman of God in my business that I need to be. Right here. Right now. Often I am a bit shy of expressing my faith and who I am about – A Woman Growing in my Faith of my savior. You have given me confidence in a split second to just show my followers, fans etc just who I am. A woman of God. Thank you so much!!!
You are my idol! It’s so hard to find women that truly love God and are so open about it. You are not embarrassed that you love Him and I adore that about you!
You’re so sweet Kaitlyn. Thanks for the love!